Is there a 12-step program to help you cope with ending a friendship?
I have had a friend for many years. At least I saw him as a friend. At this point, I'm really not sure how he saw me. And words and actions don't always match up. But we clicked... extremely well. So in spite of some drawbacks, the friendship continued.
Lately the drawbacks have been more than I can handle. Contact is minimal and superficial. And then my phone rings with a blocked number occasionally at odd times, telling me it's probably his girlfriend calling to confirm that he has been in contact with me again (because he forgot to clear my number from his phone). So they can fight about it.
It's tough to handle losing my friend to this girlfriend. We were friends long before she was in the picture, and it hurts like hell that he won't stand up to her and tell her that. I want him to tell her that nothing is going on between us, but that good friends don't come along every day, and when one does, it's worth fighting for.
But I can't make him see it this way - that would have had to be his choice. I'm tired of a one-sided fight.
And I'm really tired of being brought into THEIR fights too. It isn't my job to provide a cover story for him if he gets caught having called me. I wasn't asking to have an affair with him... I just wanted to be able to keep my friend. And I wanted to be able to call him when I had a really good day, or a really bad one. But I guess that was too much to ask.
Sometimes you need to decide that it's time to cut your losses and move on. But in spite of everything, your mind still wants your fingers to dial that familiar phone number when there's something to share.
Even finding a new friend couldn't fill the gaps left by the old one. It takes time for erosion to fill those gaps back in again.
Lots and lots of time.
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12 comments:
I understand. Completely. Hugs to you and just realize that it was nothing you did wrong. Sometimes we are collateral damage in the battles of others. I am sorry this had to happen. :( Hugs to you!
I completely understand, unfortunately. I've had quite a few friendships that were lost over several things like this, and I hope that you can work things out for the good of everyone involved.
Right you are- I had a similar experience in the past few years. Sometimes it's best to end a friendship for the sake of both of you, not just theirs or yours. It hurts now, and it will hurt for a long time, but not as much as if you were still friends and renewing the hurt every day or every week.
I'm glad you're posting again. I know you've been horribly busy and stressed out.
I don't think there's ever a time when losing a friend is easy. I wish I could make this time easier for you but know that we all have to deal with the grief in our own way.
I have to agree with you when you say you wish your friend would understand how important your friendship is and be willing to argue that point with his girlfriend.
It's small consolation - but I'd remiss if I didn't mention how small that girlfriend's life must be if she's threatened by a friendship. She must be miserable.
You have NO idea how profound your musings are.... you think this is just a silly blog /'/ but your words mean everything to me.
Marty
That's a tough choice to have to make, but I think you're doing the right thing. It does you no good to pound your head against the same brick wall over and over again.
That being said, maybe, when you have that conversation with him, you can express those exact feelings and let him know you aren't deserting him. Maybe if he can sort out his personal life he can get back in touch with you to rekindle the friendship. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part, cuz' Im all about a happy ending.
Hugssssssss Sweet Lovely One,
I am on the other side of the coin, in regards to your situation. Sadly I too am in a more than friendly relationship, that has ended for me and not for her. I only hope that he feels as bad about hurting you, as I do for hurting her. It's a terrible feeling to have to tell one who cares deeply about you, that your contact must end. The reason I have to do it, is to lessen her pain. I hear it each time we talk and I hate to be hurting her when we do. She's my special friend and that is all, for me. She wants it all and I do mean all. (i.e. rings and marriage) I can't go that far.
I'm sorry you have to go thru this all. You are a wonderful person and I'm honored to be the small part I am, in your world. I know I'm only a small part, though to me that is wonderfully special. :)
Hang in there my friend!
HUGSSSSSSSS
KYCM
Daisy: I have done all I can do. He may not see it that way, but his actions and decisions are the cause of the problem. Doesn't make it easier to handle, but at this point, I have to begin to take care of myself. Thanks for your concern... it is much appreciated.
Melissa: It sucks that you can understand. I hope yours work out somehow as well.
Marvin: I hope the hurt eases in time, but I think you're right about this being the best for both of us.
BuddhaGirl: Thanks for being willing to call her names with me! LOL
Marty: Glad you can relate. I never know if putting things like this out in a public place is a good or bad thing!
Chanda: I've thought about what you said in the second paragraph... many times. I'm not sure rekindling anything would be healthy for me, because I have the fear of this just happening again another time. But maybe there's just too much hurt right now to get past the fear... who knows. I do know that I don't let people in easily, and I don't shut them out easily either. If things changed, I could easily fall back into old routines, even if I didn't really want to! That's just me.
KYCM: Well, rings and marriage I've already got, but that doesn't lessen the value of my other friendships. Sometimes the best friendships aren't the ones that could lead to marriage. Perhaps that's what he didn't realize and value. But yeah, it's tough... probably for everyone involved. Hugs back to you. :)
I meet my current wife in an internet chat room. And before I meet her, i had several other women friends that I meet in other rooms. (icq chat rooms)
Keeping them connected has been a challenge, and there are just two that 10 years later I still communicate with. I know she isnt all keen on it, but has slowly accepted that it would never be in real life, and they are just there as friends.
I did loose two others, but they had been known in lets say, a much deeper role.
that's shitty
if she reacts this way to you... if she's not secure enough... it is a good predictor of how that relationship is going to work out
Larry: Sometimes I think that challenge is worth it. It's nice that your wife could accept it.
Cadbury: Yeah she is quite insecure, obviously. And trust me, I have many concerns about how their relationship will work. That's one reason I've stuck with him for so long in spite of all the crap. I just have to accept that I can't fix the mess he made, and that the mess was his choice.
Oh babe, I'm so sorry to hear things haven't gotten better with your friend's girlfriend. It isn't you, and it might not even be him, though it is him, to the extent he won't say boo. It sounds like he's gotten himself involved with a very insecure woman, who may or may not also have control needs. My brother is this kind of guy - always dated barracudas who hated anyone and anything that came before them, and he never said shit, just resented silently. Two failed marriages later, he finally realized that when the people who love you can't keep from hating that new girlfriend, there might be something to it.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, honey. Big hug to you.
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